This
summer I spent a lot of time worrying.
And
obviously, not blogging.
Apparently
anxiety and worry are good time-consumers.
Right
at the beginning of summer,
I
resigned from my job.
A
job that I enjoyed.
A
place where, ideally, I would have stayed.
But
I knew the Lord was speaking, calling.
And
I had to go.
My
decision surprised some people.
Myself
included.
But
when the Father calls,
we
go.
I
cannot pray,
“Your
will be done”
or
“I
am Yours, do with me as You will”
and
look in the other direction or ignore the call when it comes.
However,
just
because I go,
does
not mean that I have an abundance of grace as I go.
Quite
the opposite.
The
spirit is willing.
But
the flesh?
Weak
sauce, man.
I
resigned.
And
I went.
But
not to anywhere in particular.
Honestly,
I
felt like such a fool when my coworkers and school parents ask where I was
headed.
Did
I have another job lined up?
No…
Was
I going back to school?
No…
Was
I taking time to travel?
No…
Okay…well…best
of luck?
Yup.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Thanks so much.
Thank you for reiterating the fact that I have
NO
IDEA WHAT I’M DOING.
Thus,
spending
my summer worrying.
No
job lined up.
No
leads.
No
real idea.
False
leads.
Unrealistic
ideas.
And
so went my summer.
All
of June.
All
of July.
Part
of August.
Half
of me trying to relish in these free days
and
the
other half kicking myself for walking away from a good job.
Anxiety.
Worry.
Anger.
There
was a long period of intense anger.
Anger
towards God.
Pent-up,
pressure cooker anger status.
And
only after much prayer was that anger released.
One
may find that in letting go,
God
is able to work.
Two
job interviews lined up within 24 hours of praying.
Both
incredible opportunities.
And
so the story goes.
I
have a new job.
An
incredible one.
One
that I have dreamed about for ages.
But,
I’m
a little bit bummed.
This
lesson of trusting Jesus was a lot harder than it should have been.
At
times it hurt.
I
doubted.
I
was anxious.
I
was worried.
Nervous.
Angry.
Tried
to trust.
Fake
trusted.
I essentially had to hit rock-bottom emotionally and maybe even spiritually
in
order to see that this was basically a real-life trust fall.
Me
trusting the Lord.
Me
trusting in His plan.
Me
letting go.
Me
not being worried about money or all the time that was sliding by.
Me
not caring what others thought or said.
Me
knowing that He is good and He cares for me.
Me
believing that His most perfect will was being carried out.
Me
just simply trusting Him.
I
could look at this summer as a screw up on my part.
Or
I could see it as a practice test along the way
and
pray that I do better next time.
And
I can certainly praise God that He continues to make and mold and stretch us to
our limits,
in
order for us to best be able to love Him.
And
I can praise Him for His faithfulness in my fury and fear.
And
I can pray that next time I have the conviction to say from the beginning,
Jesus,
I trust in you!
