This summer I spent a lot of time worrying.
And obviously, not blogging.
Apparently anxiety and worry are good time-consumers.
Right at the beginning of summer,
I resigned from my job.
A job that I enjoyed.
A place where, ideally, I would have stayed.
But I knew the Lord was speaking, calling.
And I had to go.
My decision surprised some people.
But when the Father calls,
I cannot pray,
“Your will be done”
“I am Yours, do with me as You will”
and look in the other direction or ignore the call when it comes.
just because I go,
does not mean that I have an abundance of grace as I go.
Quite the opposite.
The spirit is willing.
But the flesh?
Weak sauce, man.
And I went.
But not to anywhere in particular.
I felt like such a fool when my coworkers and school parents ask where I was headed.
Did I have another job lined up?
Was I going back to school?
Was I taking time to travel?
Okay…well…best of luck?
Thanks so much.
Thank you for reiterating the fact that I have
NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING.
spending my summer worrying.
No job lined up.
No real idea.
And so went my summer.
All of June.
All of July.
Part of August.
Half of me trying to relish in these free days
the other half kicking myself for walking away from a good job.
There was a long period of intense anger.
Anger towards God.
Pent-up, pressure cooker anger status.
And only after much prayer was that anger released.
One may find that in letting go,
God is able to work.
Two job interviews lined up within 24 hours of praying.
Both incredible opportunities.
And so the story goes.
I have a new job.
An incredible one.
One that I have dreamed about for ages.
I’m a little bit bummed.
This lesson of trusting Jesus was a lot harder than it should have been.
At times it hurt.
I was anxious.
I was worried.
Tried to trust.
I essentially had to hit rock-bottom emotionally and maybe even spiritually
in order to see that this was basically a real-life trust fall.
Me trusting the Lord.
Me trusting in His plan.
Me letting go.
Me not being worried about money or all the time that was sliding by.
Me not caring what others thought or said.
Me knowing that He is good and He cares for me.
Me believing that His most perfect will was being carried out.
Me just simply trusting Him.
I could look at this summer as a screw up on my part.
Or I could see it as a practice test along the way
and pray that I do better next time.
And I can certainly praise God that He continues to make and mold and stretch us to our limits,
in order for us to best be able to love Him.
And I can praise Him for His faithfulness in my fury and fear.
And I can pray that next time I have the conviction to say from the beginning,
Jesus, I trust in you!